last night i went to hear julie barnhill speak to our MOPS group.  MOPS stands for 'mothers of preschoolers' and is a great organization geared towards encouraging mothers of young children.  julie barnhill is the founder of mops and also an accomplished writer and speaker.  it was so encouraging to listen to her talk some of her struggles as a young mother and how she learned to give more of herself, die to herself and pour into her kids the stuff that matters for eternity.
i think of the words that i pour into my kids, or more often don't pour into them.  i think of all the things i want to say, and for some reason i don't... instead letting the silence grow between us into long stretches of painful nothingness.  i want to encourage them.  sometimes i feel.... silly, or dorky, or that they already know those things and telling them doesn't matter.  yet,  i know intrinsically that it does matter.  that they need to hear me speak words of affirmation over them. they need my hugs and back scratches. they need me to sit with them.  so i feel encouraged to do those things for my babies.  because the truth is... they're not really babies anymore.....

recall....

i'm working on memorizing psalm 63.  it's really a beautiful psalm, and only 11 verses.  i've been convicted to memorize chunks of scripture and chose this poetic psalm as my goal.  it's been fairly easy mostly due to the fact that i know about 4 of the verses already from a song.  however, the song is a bit out of order and so i have be careful when i'm working on the memorizing that i keep every word where it belongs. 

Psalm 63 (NASB) 

o God, you are my God, and i shall seek you earnestly. My soul thirsts for you, my flesh yearns for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
Thus i have seen you in the sanctuary to see your power and your glory.  Because your lovingkindness is better than life, my lips will praise you.
So I will bless you as long as i live i will lift up my hands in your name. 
My soul is satisfied as with marrow and fatness and my mouth offers praises with joyful lips.
When i remember you on my bed i meditate on you in the night watches.  For you have been my help and in the shadow of your wings i sing for joy.  my soul clings to you, your right hand upholds me. 
but those who seek my life to destroy it will go into the depths of the earth.  they will be delivered over to the power of the sword, they will be a prey for foxes.  but the king will rejoice in God; everyone who swears by him will glory, for the mouths of those who speak lies will be stopped. 

cast your cares...

i feel convicted today to cast all my cares/anxieties upon him... because He cares for me.  i realize that i live with an underlying sense of anxiety.  i never quite know what the emotional climate is going to be in my home.  i sometimes find myself expecting disaster rather than hoping for and expecting the best. 
so today, i feel like i've taken a trip to the woodshed and been disciplined.  love is described as being patient, kind, bearing all things, hoping all things... i don't hope... i sometimes despair.  the exact opposite of love.  the absence of hope.  how awful to have this realization.  but i trust that it was the holy spirit who lovingly brought this to my attention, and so now i am consciously handing over my anxiety to the one who does care for me.  i'm excited to see how gracious He will be with my heart, my anxiousness, my concerns.  i know He will soothe me. 

cow pies and bees?!

i came up with this while listening to an odyssey cd that the kids had on at naptime recently.  the characters mentioned the land of milk and honey and i started thinking about what that really meant.  i suddenly realized that in order to have milk, and in order to have honey...both rewards for hard work and perseverance, you were also left with cow pies, and stinging bees.  flies attracted to the livestock, mud and poop from the cows, the smell from farm animals, and swarms of bees that sting when annoyed.  in order to get to the honey, the milk, the flowers and fields, the sunshine, light refreshing rain and beauty, you have to deal with all the junk too.  the cow pies and bees.

i feel like that is a great summary of our life as a family.  having aspergers and adhd in a family (or any special need or challenge) creates many cow pies that have to be dodged.  but there is also great reward embedded in the journey.  sometimes it's hard to appreciate the flowers over the smell of livestock, or to be able to taste the honey when you may have been stung trying to retrieve it.   but i can say, it's worth it.  so join us as i blog about our life in the land of milk and honey that is also filled with cow pies and bees. 

a rare night out

trevor and i had a date last night.  we went out to eat and went to a movie.  my parents came to be with the kids in case we wanted to go away over night.  we decided to come home for the night but had a great time out. 
it's hard with babysitters.  i never know what the behavioral climate is going to be, and so i spend my time being anxious rather than enjoying my time with trevor.  because of that, we almost never go out.  i have to say, when i think about how rarely we go out, it makes me a little sad.  i feel better when family is here instead of a teenage girl who might get overwhelmed with the potential breakdowns.  i was thrilled they came and relieved to not have to be anxious while we were gone.

last night went well.  samuel balked at his shower- which he usually does, but my dad was able to convince him to go, and they moved through it. 

it was our 11th anniversary.  i can hardly believe we're into our second decade of marriage.  it seems like we just said our vows and started thinking of building our family.  here we are 11 years later with a full family, years down the road walking it out.  i feel like trevor and i are in a comfortable stage.  marriages go through seasons and twists and turns, and each one has its different positives and negatives.  we are in a place of comfort.  i feel easy with him.  settled.  at rest.  peaceful.  i feel cared for and thought of.  i feel secure. 

we have just started a family help group called FOCUS.  it stands for families overcoming under stress.  it is an 8 week session that helps families with tools to handle crisis and stress.  i think that given the circumstances and the ever changing landscape of our family, tools to help us navigate the growing children will be beneficial to us for years to come.  the hard part is looking at those places in our family that are weaker.  the places that we need tools to help us parent more effectively.  looking at the crises that our particular family makeup has as its DNA was challenging.  it was painful to look at the description sheet and realize that according to the definitions of each type of family that ours is considered 'injured'.  we have struggles inherent to parenting and struggles magnified by aspergers and adhd.  it translates into chaos sometimes and i am more than ready to have someone help us navigate some of these struggles with effective tools and skills.  i have a feeling it will be an emotional journey as we look at the pain in the face.  the facilitator said that one person doesn't have aspergers... the whole family does.  that statement was profound and stung a bit.  i'm looking forward to the sessions to come and to seeing how they can help us recreate and restructure some of the foundations of our family.